I recently came upon the following quote, which I really truly love, and which quite perfectly sums up my philosophy about development that I've been recently, well, developing:


     "If you move through the world only with your intellect, then you walk on only one leg. 
     If you move through the world only with your compassion, then you walk  on only one leg. 
     But if you move through the world with both intellect and compassion, then you have wisdom." 
                -Maha Ghosandanda

     I found this eloquent and simple gem in a book called The Blue Sweater, which I spied on a Barnes and Noble table, and upon getting a vague sense from the back cover that it talked about economics and development, two of my prime favorite subjects, decided to pick it up from the local library (one of prime favorite places, as it happens. And I just love that phrase--"local library"--it brings back fond Reading Rainbow memories. Ah Lavarr.) 
     In any case, it's turned out to be a highly interesting and inspiring book. It was written as a memoir by Jacqueline Novogratz, who unbeknownst to moi at the time, is the lovely lady who founded Acumen Fund, an organization for which I actually applied to do an on-campus internship (among other social enterprise groups-- it didn't work out, but who knows? Maybe next time.) It's a great account of her early efforts in humanitarian work, the beginnings of Acumen Fund and most centrally, the development of the idea of "patient capital," the middle ground between traditional, unaccountable notions of charity and the unsentimental yet highly effective rules of traditional business. It also contains a wrenching account of her personal experience in Rwanda, both pre- and post-genocide, and the lessons to be learned there. 
     The quote above, from Maha Ghosandanda, comes from Novogratz's interview with the Buddhist monk and Cambodian peace activist. It really helped me distill how I feel about development, and how I believe I need to approach life in general. These two things--intellect, and compassion--are both so, so important to me. But you cannot rely just on facts, analysis, numbers. But you can't indulge in pure sentimentality and idealism and give and give money and stuff, without giving those whom you are trying to help a chance and an expectation to prove themselves. That's what I think Martin Burt (another amazing individual, and speaker at the Hunger Banquet last year) meant when he said that if you give a man who is capable of providing for himself free stuff, like blankets, you may actually be taking away his dignity. You have to respect people and hold them, and aid groups, accountable and show trust in them to succeed.
     I highly recommend The Blue Sweater to anyone looking to delve deeper into the changing world of international development, to anyone who won't balk at a "call to action that challenges us to grant dignity to the poor and to rethink our engagement with the world." It certainly has given me a lot to think on.

So... about this time every semester (and by that, I mean when registration is about to open up) I go through a serious existential personal identity life goal reevaluation crisis. I question everything-- my class choices, my major, my summer plans, my study abroad dreams, internship goals, job possibilities, and pretty much what I want to do with my life. Making decisions is so stressful. It makes me really frustrated, because I feel there is a serious dichotomy regarding college: on the one hand, people tell you you need to plan everything out, start setting up internships, prepare for classes and jobs and just decide everything now. The world is competitive, and opportunities will pass you by.
On the other hand, people say you need to relax, you're just starting out, you'll figure it out, don't stress, you'll change your major 5 times anyway. These are the same people who criticize that high schoolers are too pressured at too early of an age to decide their major/their career.
But do you know what? I think it's really unfair to college students to spring such a huge decision on them out of nowhere! We ought to be educated and investigating, shadowing, exploring careers- not just taking some silly aptitude test that tells you you'd rather not work at a desk job and you work well with people. No duh. At the same time, who knows if I would have come to the same conclusions then as I have now or will in the future.
But still, if there's one thing I've learned in college, it's that you don't magically grow up and figure things out when you graduate high school. I also really envy those people who have set career and professional tracks- nursing, elementary education, engineering. Your classes are lined up for you. When you graduate, you know what you want to be, and what kind of a job you'll look for. Oh, the curse of the social sciences. Oh, the curse of the liberal arts. I wish I could be like my sister Emma, who's decided it's her dream to be a dentist. She is literally Hermie from Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. Except not a femmy elf with a nasally voice. But otherwise.

So basically, I'm trying to decide the following: Do I switch from IR to Econ for my major? Dependent on that, do I take French 102 and/or Econ 382 next semester? (something's gotta give, because as it is, I'm looking at 18 credit hours. And no "fun" classes. Not going to work.) Do I take more calculus? Do I take it this summer? Do I still plan on India study abroad for Fall 2011? Where else can I go? Should I go to Haiti this summer? Will my mom ever let me go to Haiti? Do I go even if she doesn't? Where should I intern? What do I want to do on an internship? What should I do for grad school? How does economics (a cool social science, with cool research...but being an official economist sounds kinda dreary) apply to what I want to do? What do I want to do in a career? Do I have any skills at all? Will I be able to get a job doing what I want? Will I be able to raise a family doing what I want? Is my whole passion for development completely idealistic and futile?

*deep breath*
Om, shanti, shanti.

I'm glad at times like these I have things like the Hare Krishnas (yay for stress-relieving chants) and the Hunger Banquet and SID and awesome people who are out there living the dream. It is possible. I just hope I can figure out how it's possible for me.

Preferably before Fall registration in a few weeks.

Sigh.

The time is fast approaching when the culmination of all my efforts (and many, many other people's efforts far greater than mine) will come to pass:

The BYU Hunger Banquet.

I'm so so so excited. Like, really. So excited. Here's how it works- everyone pays the same amount for a ticket, and then is randomly assigned into different groups representative of the world income levels. So, 10% of people will get a three course, fancy schmancy dinner; 20% will get a hot dog and some chips; and the rest will sit on the floor and share rice and beans. It creates a truly amazing visual of how the world really lives.

There will also be oodles of fabulous entertainment! There will be dancing, and singing, and drumming, plus the awesome Martin Burt, former mayor of Asuncion, Paraguay and current philanthropist running an agricultural vocational school, is coming all the way from Paraguay to speak! So cool.

The best part is that all the money that is raised goes to development organizations and projects all over the world who have applied for grants. We, as members of SID (students for international development, the club that I'm in and that really gives meaning to my life) get to judge and rate and decide which group gets the money. Last year we raised $15,000-- and this year we're shooting for $19,000.

To do so, we need lots of people! So to those few readers who may actually be able to come, Come!! It's Thursday (March 4th) and Saturday (March 6th) at 7pm in the Wilk Ballroom. You can buy tickets, $8 each, at the Info Desk in the Wilk.

I am seriously so excited.
Seriously.